THE WEEK THAT WAS….
There are only seven MLAs with beards, all of whom, bar two, are Sinn Fein members (I’m sure there’s a political science PhD in there somewhere about the correlation between where you stand on the political spectrum and where you stand on facial hair). This, however, is Stormont Watch, not Beard Watch.
Now some people may cling to that outdated tenet of ‘never trust a man with a beard’. I even imagine that there are plenty of unreconstructed beardless wonders out there who would be glad to see all those with overactive facial follicles retire from public life altogether. There is, however, a contrary view and given this week’s antics at Liz’s des res in Hillsborough we clearly need more beards not less. Well, one in particular.
Devolution is a shambles, has been a shambles and is likely to continue being a shambles for the forsseable future, even if something is cobbled together over the weekend. That is not to castigate the politicians involved as some take great delight in doing so, for our problems are rooted not in personality clashes, but in intractable tribal politics which would have Solomon pulling his beard out.
It’s not Solomon who we need though. We need someone with a bit more savvy, a bit of razzamatazz to break the logjam – someone who can truncate 48 hours of non-stop jaw-jaw into a neatly packaged half hour light entertainment show. What we need is some Noel Edmonds magic, a bit of ‘Deal or No Deal’ to keep the press and the general public from drifting off into oblivion over the minutiae of why Policing & Justice may or may not be a good idea. Gordon Brown could play the silent yet surly banker and the boxes could host a range of off-the-shelf constitutional settlements.
If boxes ain’t your thing, though, a bit of SwapShop might be more applicable, giving Norn Iron the chance to exchange its duff governmental structures with the Lebanese or the Belgians – even a well managed Women’s Institute committee would suffice. Surely it’s not beyond the realms of human creativity to manage just 5,400 sq miles of basalt and shale stuck on the backend of Europe. Answers on the back of a postcard to Stormont Castle please – hurry up though, the closing date may be imminent.
QUESTIONS & ANSWERS
Oral Questions
The Education Minister returned to the fray, impervious as ever to the growing tide of chaos that is the transfer system and the palpable irritation she causes her opponents. You got to hand it to her, when this lady says she’s not for turning, she really means it. Apart from academic selection the Minister was also queried on STEM subjects and educational disadvantage.
DEL tackled concerns about upcoming trouble in the Holylands on St. Patrick’s Day and support for management skills. The DETI Minister discussed next generation broadband, tourism initiatives and paid a glowing tribute to the late Sir Allen McClay, Almac’s founder and Portadown’s favourite son.
Written Answers
OFMDFM noted that civil servants are now working “intensively” on the Cohesion, Sharing and Integration strategy which has been AWOL since 2008, the DCAL Minister is meeting business groups to discuss support for the creative industries and Education defended sending departmental e-mails in Irish to “Protestant” schools.
DETI revealed that INI has helped support the creation of 382 jobs by US firms since 2008, DoE noted that there are eight snowploughs in the Province and DFP disclosed that the NI Utilities Regulator and its 70 employees cost £80m to run annually. Health confirmed that diabetes led to 158 amputations in 08/09 and DRD reported that 16 gritters have been attacked since December.
COMMITTEES
The equitable bods at DFP are still on Equal Pay issues, DEL is staring into a Student Fees-flavoured Pot Noodle and Education was looking at the pithily entitled ‘Together Towards Entitlement’ Report.
OFMDFM was cancelled (ominous), DSD considered the Welfare Bill, Health was taking the temperature of expenditure plans (likely to be a deteriorating condition) and DoE was consulting on the legal definition of waste. DCAL considered public access to art while those gluttons for punishment at Health finished off the week with a cup of tea and a bun (or two) to find out if anything had happened to its Obesity Inquiry.
AND FINALLY….
John Dallat (SDLP, East Londonderry) had Unionists scratching their heads this week as they grappled with just how deeply the rift about the constitutional question permeates every aspect of life.
During the DUP’s not particularly well considered debate about a Protestant brain drain, Mr. Dallat advised the House that his daughter Helena had been enriched by her third level education “abroad”.
Yale? Harvard? The Paris Conservatoire or perhaps a gap year at the rather fine Irish Institute in Leuven, Belgium? Umm, not quite that exotic; Aberystwyth University in Wales actually. I can only begin to imagine Helena’s delight when her friends find out…
Btw – if you’re wondering who the beards are, it’s Gerry Adams, Billy Leonard, Mickey Brady, Alex Maskey and Francie Molloy of Sinn Fein, the DUP’s Nelson McCauseland and the Alliance leader David Ford. Don’t expect to find this question at a pub quiz anytime soon though.
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