THE WEEK THAT WAS….

Ben Hecht, the 19^th Century screenwriter, novelist and producer – known to some as the ‘Shakespeare of Hollywood – once said that: “Trying to determine what is going on in the world by reading newspapers is like trying to tell the time by watching the second hand of a clock.”   I can’t imagine he’d be a big fan of 24-hour rolling news or social media.

He certainly wouldn’t be a big fan of Hansard, not too many scintillating plot lines to captivate the audience there, but then, why should there be?  As the ‘newspaper’ of the Northern Ireland Assembly, Hansard is only a partial glimpse through the shadows into the inner workings of how real decisions actually get made.

Even David Ford, the Justice Minister, has confessed today in the Belfast Telegraph that the Executive is: “Something which is effectively and frequently rubber-stamping discussions which have taken place previously.”  If the Executive is a talking shop, what chance MLAs have on the Floor of the House?

Republicans first brought the concept of the ‘Long War’ to Northern Ireland politics, an inter-generational campaign to achieve their objectives through the use of any means available.  The shifting sands of demographics have, however, forced Unionism to also take a long-term strategic view, hence the First Minister’s wooing of small ‘u’, pro-union Catholics.  Such ‘Realpolitik’ only surfaces now and again on Hansard’s pages.

What Hansard is excellent at cataloguing, though, is the turgidity and clumsiness of devolution.  This week, for instance, the DEL Minister debated the tricky issue of teacher training provision.  Tricky because there’s no money left, there are five separate training institutions and there are serious issues over how to maintain the ethos of faith-based training without disadvantaging employment prospects of teachers who don’t hold a religious qualification.

If that wasn’t enough of a conundrum, the DEL Minister only has responsibility for funding, but not for deciding teacher training numbers or the requirement for a religious qualification to teach in certain schools.  Joined-up Government? 

Not likely.

DEBATES                                   

Speaker’s Business

• Public Petition: Community Libraries-
• Public Petition: Community Pharmacies
• Public Petition: Bronte Library, Rathriland

Executive Committee

Legislation

Order:                           

Rates (Payment by Owners) Amendment

Ministerial Statements

DEL: Teacher Training

DFM: NSMC: Plenary Session

DCAL: BIC: Indigenous, Minority & Lesser Used Languages

Committee & Private Members’ Business

Motions

School Closures: SEELB

Police: Independent Investigations

Dept of Justice: Review of Initial Ministerial Provision

Crimes Against Older & Vulnerable People

Adjournment

West Belfast & Greater Shankill Employment Services Board

QUESTIONS & ANSWERS

Oral Answers

DARD:             

Forestry: Bye Laws / Gorse Fires / Bovine TB / Flooding: East Belfast / Egg Producers / Health & Social Care

DoE:               

Planning: Renewable Energy / Single Use Carrier Bags / Planning: Training for Councillors / Planning: Renewable Energy

DFP:                

Govt. Estate: Energy Reduction / Business Premises: Strangford / A5: Funding / INTERREG Iva / Small Business Rate Relief

Health:            

Primary Care Centres / Kinship Care / NHS: Winter Weather / Obesity / Health Inequalities: West Belfast / Cardiovascular Disease

THE WEEK AHEAD

Monday 5^th December

Executive Business

Regulations: Paternity Pay

Order: Labour Relations Agency

Question Time             

DEL/ DRD

Motions                       

Community Transport Scheme

Public Sector Pensions

Tuesday 6^th December

Question Time

OFMDFM / DSD / Assembly Commission

Motions           

Hydraulic Fracturing

Welfare of Laying Hens Directive

Adjournment

Regeneration of Portavogie

AND FINALLY….

While moaning about the arcane nature of Stormont may make one feel better, even if a sparkly new system descended from the heavens tomorrow, it would be unlikely to make much progress in the unpleasant economic headwinds currently whipping round from the Continent. 

Perhaps Peter and Marty should just sell the place as a job lot to a Chinese Sovereign Wealth fund and save everyone the bother.

THE WEEK THAT WAS….

Next week about 2m public sector workers across the UK are expected to strike, causing mayhem and annoyance to all and sundry.  Surprisingly though, some MLAs have decided that in the interests of solidarity with the proletariat they will be boycotting Stormont to avoid crossing the picket line.  Long live the revolution.

While MLAs should highlight the genuine grievances of public sector workers, one wonders just what they hope to achieve.  MLAs are mandated by their voters, not a union ballot.  Wednesday is a Committee day at the Assembly and while public sector workers have every right to strike, voters should also surely expect their elected representatives will be there to represent their views when issues are discussed.

If the strike had been held on one of the Assembly’s sitting days, would MLAs have refused to debate and vote on matters.  Surely not?  One might almost conclude that MLAs are unintentionally making the point that the work of the Committee system is so inconsequential, it’s more important to make a vague political gesture.

Perhaps there’s a reason why the main entrance to Parliament Buildings is a revolving door – the most efficient way to facilitate some of the Members’ lack of attachment to the place. 

From innumerable suspensions and threats to bring the institutions down or temporary sabbaticals to follow career aspirations elsewhere, there’s something bordering on a lack of respect for the place.  If MLAs and the Assembly were in a relationship it would be advisable to arrange a pre-emptive chat with Relate.

Talking of strikes, the Green Party’s MLA is doing his best to strike a match under an unwelcome build up of gas (of the shale variety, that is) taking shape under the DETI Minister’s Fermanagh roots.  Unless there are some astonishing new revelations in the ‘pipeline’ it’s highly unlikely that anything will come of calls for the Minister’s resignation.  There’s already plenty of hot air at Stormont – a bit of ‘Green House Gas’ will add some variety.

DEBATES

Executive Committee

Legislation

Regulations:                  

Employment & Support Allowance

Orders:                           

Land Registry Fees

Registration of Deeds                                                            

Ministerial Statements

DARD                          

Single Farm Payments

Committee & Private Members’ Business

Motions

Rivers’ Strategy                                                                                                    

Library Opening Hours                                                                                         

Amateur Sports Clubs Rate Relief                                                                         

Adjournment

Flooding: Clogher Valley

QUESTIONS & ANSWERS

Oral Answers

DARD:             

EU Fines / Forestry / Potato Producers / Single Farm Payments / Flooding / CAP /

Education:       

Integrated Schools / Disadvantaged Communities / Child Welfare / Educational Attainment / Aghavilly & Keady PS /

DEL:                

FE: Community Groups / HE: Equality & Employment Legislation / St. Mary’s College / Apprenticeships / Incapacity Benefit / Regional Colleges

DETI:              

INI: SMEs / Eurozone / Credit Unions / Titanic Centenary / INI: Job Creation / Agrifood

THE WEEK AHEAD

Monday 28^th November

Executive Business

Order:  Rates

Question Time             

DARD/ DoE

Motions                       

School Closures in the SEELB

Retention & Release of Information from Police Officers

Tuesday 29^th November

Question Time

DFP / Health                

Motions           

Report into Ministerial Provision – DoJ

Sentencing for Crimes against Older and Vulnerable People

Adjournment

Funding: West Belfast & Greater Shankill Employment Services

AND FINALLY….

Revelation of the week goes to Jim Allister (TUV, North Antrim).  During a fulsome declaration of interests in the Libraries debate the loquacious Member disclosed that he first asked his wife out on a date at Queen’s library.

Mr. Allister’s inability to be quiet even in a library was evidently an early marker for his future career as a verbal attack dog – an epithet, one suspects, which is carried with pride.

THE WEEK THAT WAS….

Sad news this week from West Africa – the Black Rhino has been declared extinct throughout the entire region.  There are also concerns that a subspecies of White Rhino has also disappeared from Central Africa.

On a much more positive note, however, the White Elephant of West Tyrone has also been declared extinct – executed at the hands of a poacher going by the name of Enda, believed to hail from a tribe known as the TDs.

The demise of the A5, the ultimate road to nowhere, has been greeted with ‘disappointment’ by both Stormont and the Dail – but given the dire state of public finances in both jurisdictions, just how upset are they really at the prospect of £800m being returned to their coffers?

Proponents of the road are, not surprisingly incandescent with road rage, given the ‘fulsome’ commitment which the Irish Government continued to pledge to the project.  As turned out, it was a commitment that was as reliable as one of those dodgy builder’s promises to finally start laying the tarmac on your driveway. 

Even those with the dimmest of hearing in Stormont, however, detected a subtle shift in the mood music on Monday when the DRD Minister mentioned the A5 during a report on a North / South meeting:

“No firm conclusions have been indicated yet by the Irish Government in respect of their funding”. 

Translation: “There’s no money, but the Irish Government hasn’t quite worked out how to break the bad news”.

Nor will supporters of the scheme find any solace in the fact that the Irish Government remains “politically committed” to the project – in much the same way that the UK was once committed to the ERM or the Germans are to the wellbeing of peripheral eurozone economies.  Political commitment?  I’d rather take the word of that dodgy builder.

DEBATES

Executive Committee

Legislation

Local Govt. Rates Support Grant                                            

Ministerial Statements

NSMC: Roads & Transport

NSMC: Road Safety

Lissue House / Forster Green Hospital

Dementia Services

Committee & Private Members’ Business 

Motions

Pat Finucane Case

Aggregates Levy

Planning Enforcement 

Education & Skills Authority

Adjournment

Ambulance Service: Newry & Armagh

QUESTIONS & ANSWERS

Oral Answers

DoE               

National Park / Septic Tanks / Planning / Septic Tanks: Grants

DETI              

Unemployment / Tourism: Ulster Scots / Invest NI: East Londonderry / Shale Gas / Invest NI: Performance

Health            

HSCS: Review / Music Therapy Trust / HSCS: Commissioning / Dementia Strategy / Hospital Appointments / DHSSPS: Budget

Justice            

Alcohol: Minimum Pricing / Police: Part Time Reserve / Resettlement of Offenders / Police Ombudsman / Policing Board / Antisocial Behaviour

THE WEEK AHEAD

Monday 14^th November

Committee Business:               

- DARD Repayments to the EU

Question Time:                        

- OFMDFM / DRD

Private Members’ Business:                    

- Banning Smoking in Cars Carrying Children                                        

- Prison Review Team Report

Tuesday 15^th November

Question Time:                        

- DSD / DCAL

Private Members’ Business                     

- Disparity in Students Community Background                                                          

- Roaming Tariffs

Adjournment:                          

- Housing: Girdwood Barracks

AND FINALLY….

Life continues to meander at a pedestrian yet worthy pace in the House.  There was a useful opportunity to hold the Health Minister to account over allegations of abuse at two health institutions and it was good to see a discussion on how to improve the Province’s dementia services.

Likewise, Jim Wells (DUP, South Down) vented his spleen at the gaping inadequacies of enforcement at Planning Service – a simmering displeasure which was echoed across the Chamber. 

This is meant, however, to be a Legislative Assembly. You would never notice though, the legislation is as rare as a Black Rhino in Cameroon.  Most of the tourists have already given up seeing Big Game at the Stormont Reserve – much more of this and even the hardcore twitchers will call it a day.

THE WEEK THAT WAS….

SDLP delegates gearing up to choose their illustrious new leader should spend time studying the fortunes of the UUP since it elected Tom Elliott leader in the wake of poor election results. Shuffling faces at the top has yet to pay dividends with the electorate or change perceptions that the party simply doesn’t have the capacity to deliver.

This week’s UUP motion about concerns over the siting of a Conflict Transformation Centre / Terrorist Shrine (tick according to personal political preference) at the Maze was another fine example of political myopia.

While it’s perfectly legitimate to question the merits of the proposed location of the centre, possibly the best vehicle to do that isn’t a party which was intimately involved with and supportive of choosing said location.

As the DUP gleefully pointed out, the current Chairman of the UUP was also the Chairman of the Maze consultation panel which green-lighted the Maze site, a decision rubber-stamped by the then UUP First Minister. Stones and glass houses come to mind. 

That said, the DUP shouldn’t be overly smug, one reason we don’t have a brand, spanking new stadium at the Maze were DUP concerns about – surprise, surprise – a ‘terrorist shrine’.  But as Martin McGuinness has pointed out in his Irish election campaign, we’re more effective at blanking our pasts than our southern neighbours.

For those of you who wrestle with imponderable philosophical questions about the meaning of and point of Stormont, there was some more empirical evidence to chew over this week.  On the plus side, Departments have reduced their administrative expenditure by a very commendable 2·5% and are becoming better at releasing funds no longer required.  Maybe devolution works after all?

The savings, however, have gone into areas such as health, roads and free bus fares.  Laudable, but will this tackle structural flaws in the economy; flaws which create poverty and health / societal issues which, in turn, require a bloated public sector to fix.

If Stormont can break that self-sustaining cycle of gloom, it will really have done its job.

DEBATES

Executive Committee

Legislation

Regulations:                   Local Govt. Rates Support Grant                                            

Ministerial Statements

Justice:                         

Prison Service Review

DFP:                             

Public Expenditure – October Monitoring Round

DCAL:                           

NSMC: Inland Waterways

NSMC: Language Body                                                         

Committee & Private Members’ Business

Motions

Forensic Science Services                                                                                     

Car Tax Renewal                                                                                                 

Maze Prison Site – Terrorist Shrine                                                                    

Community Pharmacies           

Adjournment

Dunmurry High School and Knockmore Primary School

QUESTIONS & ANSWERS

Oral Answers

OFMDFM:        

Dealing with the Past / Investment Strategy / CAP / Commissioner for Children & Younger People / Social Investment Fund / CSI

DEL:                

St Mary’s College / Ballymoney Learning Community / Shared Future / Essential Skills / Labour Relations Agency / Northern Regional College

Education:       

Capital Projects / Home-to-School Transport / Ethnic Minorities / Youth Service / Redburn PS / Area Planning

DFP:                

Rates: Business Premises / EU Structural Funds / Rates: Empty Properties / EU Financial Transaction Tax / Taxation: Retailers

THE WEEK AHEAD

The House is in Recess until November 7^th

AND FINALLY….

 “Many local producers supply their Northern Ireland produce to Tesco and we look forward to the continued development and expansion of this relationship.” 

DUP First Minister upon the opening of Tesco’s new store in Craigavon, January 2011

“First of all, Tesco’s response to this has been — I choose my words quite deliberately — absolutely pathetic. Here is a major company that is used to bullying its way around.”

DUP Finance Minister in the House this week regarding Tesco’s response to his Large Store Rates Levy scheme.

A week is a long time in politics, ten months is a lifetime…

THE WEEK THAT WAS….

Given the banality of much of the proceedings of the Assembly, one could almost forgive MLAs for staying away from debates in droves if they weren’t so handsomely rewarded and not so quick to complain when the press doesn’t demonstrate an appropriate level of interest in their ruminations.

That said, instances of MLAs falling asleep during debates are not evident.  Granted, there are so few in the Chamber, potential sleepers don’t have the ‘support’ of Members sitting as props on either side of them.  Plus, the expanse of green benches available means there’s no sharing of ‘mutual bodily warmth’ to induce a pleasant reverie.

In that regard, the 40 winks taken during this week’s packed Prime Minister’s Question Time by one of our double jobbing MLAs (more a case of ‘double nodding’) is possibly understandable.  However, having managed to survive 13 years of tedium in Stormont, you’d surely be kicking yourself for: 1) falling asleep during the greatest piece of political theatre in the democratic world and 2) having the misfortune to clunk out at the exact moment the MP in front rises to ask his Question.

It’s four years since Stormont Watch was first penned – it feels rather longer.  Now that the institution has settled down, with no major outstanding matters left over from Good Friday or St. Andrews, we’re left with day-to-day deliberations and debates which have all the import of a VIth Form Debating Society, but without the fresh-faced enthusiasm.

This week we were treated to calls for the Crown Estate (ie, those well known philanthropists at the Treasury) to ‘repatriate’ its revenue to the Assembly.  Possibility of that happening? Zilch. There was also a debate about developing an All-Ireland Jobs Strategy.  Chances of those ‘arch-partitionists’, the Irish Development Agency, leaking jobs north of the border – what do you think?  In relation to Northern Ireland their attitude is a take on John Lewis’ slogan – “Never Knowingly Sold”.

It was a more interesting debate than the Weed Control offering a couple of weeks ago, but that may actually have some practical impact, and therein lies the natural level of the Assembly.  It’s not Stormont’s fault it’s institutionally dull, that’s its purpose in life.

DEBATES

Matters of the Day

Pat Finucane Case

Executive Committee

Legislative Consent Bill:  Legal Aid, Sentencing & Punishment of Offenders            

Ministerial Statements

None                                                                                                                                                                                                            

Committee & Private Members’ Business

Motions

• All-Ireland Job Creation Strategy                                                                        
• Rural Schools
• Anti-Social Behaviour
• Crown Estate   

Adjournment

Sixmilewater River Pollution

QUESTIONS & ANSWERS

Oral Answers

DRD:               

Twaddell Avenue / Severe Winter Weather / Footpaths / Severe Weather: Water Supplies / Belfast – L’Derry Railway / Walking & Cycling to School

DSD:               

Unfit Properties / Frozen Pipes / Sunday Trading / Child Poverty / North Down Social Housing 

DARD:             

Flood Prevention / Dogs: Microchipping / Mountain Biking / SMEs / Agrifood / Potatoes

DCAL:              

East Antrim Funding / Marching Bands / Chinese Gymnastics Team / Anniversaries: Northern Ireland & Ulster Covenant / Libraries Strategy / Irish Language Strategy

Urgent Oral Answer

DoE               

Organic Manure

THE WEEK AHEAD

Monday 24^th October

Executive Business

• Regulations:     Local Govt Rates Support

Question Time             

• OFMDFM / DEL

Motions                       

• Forensic Science Services
• Car Tax Renewal

Tuesday 25^th October

Question Time

• Education / DFP                      

Motions           

• Utilisation of former Maze Prison
• Community Pharmacies

Adjournment

• Closure of Dunmurry High School & Knockmore PS

AND FINALLY….

If you don’t ask, you don’t get – the mantra of any happy salesman and, apparently, Trevor Clarke (DUP, South Antrim). 

This week he asked the DCAL Minister, Caral Ní Chuilín, if she would invite her counterparts in the Republic and the reigning Monarch to attend the centenary celebrations of Northern Ireland’s founding and the signing of the Ulster Covenant.

The response was less than positive.

THE WEEK THAT WAS….

Northern Ireland’s Deputy First Minister (the usual one, not the one currently minding shop while the incumbent knocks off down south for a very extensive coach tour).  All his life he’s been pestered by those ‘pesky Brits’.

It’s bad enough there’s an ‘occupying force’ in the six counties and having to live with the paraphernalia of the British state, from the ghastly ‘Royal’ Mail to the overtly named ‘British’ Broadcasting Corporation.  It’s even worse that so many of his northern brethren seem to under the delusion that they are actually British – the ‘securocrats’ must be putting some pretty powerful hallucinogens into the water.

But to top it all, the poor chap puts his name forward to be President of Ireland and what does he find? Those pesky “West Brits” have got there first, infiltrating the media and trying to sabotage his efforts with impertinent questions about what he did in his spare time during the 70s, 80s and 90s.  

According to the DFM, he left the IRA in 1974 and on a recent radio interview he asserted that during his four years membership he never shot or killed anybody, but wouldn’t confirm or deny that he had shot at anybody.

Leaving aside the rather substantial of body of opinion, stretching from the dogs in the street to the US State Department which takes a contrary view, perhaps there’s an alternative narrative emerging as to what the DFM did after he left prison following his conviction of being an IRA member? Maybe the Provos sacked him in 1974 because he was such a bad shot?

While Sinn Fein have called in the past for a Truth Commission, it appears that the current election campaign has sparked the Irish media to launch their own private version, targeted solely on Mr. McGuinness.  It’s unlikely much will emerge and the evidence of Adams’ success in Louth is that voters don’t care. 

He who laughs last laughs longest. The DFM is likely to emerge with a strong showing in the poll and has an outside chance of winning.  Those pesky Brits – north, south, east and west – won’t be so smug then.

DEBATES

Assembly Business

Acting Deputy First Minister

Executive Committee

None                             

Ministerial Statements

Environment                                                                         

Committee & Private Members’ Business 

Motions

Fuel Poverty                                                                                                        

Office of the Police Ombudsman                                                                           

Programme for Government                                                                                

Newly Qualified Teachers                                                                                     

Adjournment

Schools: Holywood

QUESTIONS & ANSWERS

Oral Answers

DFP:                

Civil Service Equal Pay / Infrastructure Funding / Small Business Rate Relief / Corporation Tax / Procurement

Health:            

Community Pharmacies / IVF / Missed Hospital Appointments / Ulster Hospital A&E / Cancer Treatment / Prisoners’ Medication

OFMDFM:        

Parades Commission / CSI Working Group / Equality Scheme / PfG: Poverty / Child Abuse / Children & Young People /

Justice:            

Police Ombudsman / Peace Lines / Courts: Filming / Legal Aid Dispute / Drivers’ Insurance Premiums

AND FINALLY….

The interesting thing about the DFMs entry into the Presidential campaign is the level of vitriol which it has exposed between the various strands of the broad nationalist camp – something which is probably making the First Minister chuckle as he nods off to sleep.

This week the Culture Minister tweeted that a former Irish Justice Minister was a “complete gobs***e” for having a pop at her Stormont boss.  Another fine example of the political maxim that your real enemy sits on the benches behind you rather than across the Chamber.

THE WEEK THAT WAS….

“108 Green and Orange MLAs sitting on the wall, 108 Green and Orange MLAs sitting on the wall, and if 12 Orange and Green MLAs should accidently fall, there’ll be 98 Green and Orange MLAs sitting on the wall.”

It wouldn’t be like the Northern Ireland Assembly to spend hours navel gazing about an issue, only for an external body to come along and impose a partial solution. 

While most political parties have been advocating a refreshingly novel approach to political hari kari, by proposing that their numbers should be slashed (turkeys do apparently vote now and again), it took the Boundary Commission, courtesy of the Coalition Government, to come along and wring the neck of two Westminster constituencies with knock-on effects on the parallel Stormont seats.

True, the initial plans put forward by the Commission may be open to challenge – the new Mid-Antrim seat which sucks in the citadel of North Antrim, Ballymena, into the old East Antrim seat is an aberration of nature.  Mid Tyrone looks similarly peculiar and they seem to have a developed particular passion for cutting towns off from their natural hinterlands (eg, Coleraine, Strabane and the aforementioned Ballymena).

For some reason the Commission is also refusing to let Belfast follow the migratory flows of its citizens into the suburbs.  Rather than ‘go with the flow’ the city loses a seat and swathes of urban build-up into the surrounding rural seats.  Take for instance, the densely populated linear development along the northern shores of Belfast Lough.  It may only be a few miles, but it’s covered by three different constituencies, one urban and two rural.

Ah well, making an omelette means breaking a few eggs.  Is it too much to hope that the Assembly might build upon the Commission’s knife work and make the move to five instead of six seat constituencies, dispatching another 16 ‘bottles’ off the glass bank where they can be recycled for good use in Local Government  That would create an Assembly of just 80 MLAs.  Bad news for politicians, but sunny side up for taxpayers

QUESTIONS & ANSWERS

Oral Answers

DRD:               

Cycling / Aviation Strategy / Roads: Newry & Armagh / Belfast Rapid Transit / Roads: Strangford

DEL:                

Stranmillis Merger / EU Agency Workers Directive / Benefits / Tuition Fees / SE Regional College

DETI:              

Micro Energy / Golf / Electricity Prices / Mobile Phone Roaming Charges / Energy Strategy

DoE:               

Illegal Dumping / Carbon Emissions / Waste Oil / Unfinished Buildings / Recycling

STATUTORY COMMITTEES

AND FINALLY….

If you missed it, the House did actually sit this week.  Some useful debates on changes to A&E services in Belfast – scrutiny and accountability which would never have happened under Direct Rule – and then the usual rather less interesting stuff. 

It was good to see though that Jim Allister (TUV, North Antrim) has come back still in fighting form, kicking off the new session with not one but three separate Points of Order, all before anyone else had breathed a word. 

Looks like the Assembly’s ‘Mr. Angry’ won’t be mellowing any time soon.

THE WEEK THAT WAS

Plans to turn the Stormont Estate into Northern Ireland’s most stylish Golf & Spa Resort took a dramatic step forward this week as US Open winner Rory McIlroy cast his expert eye over the proposed putting green outside Stormont Castle (aka the 19^th Hole).

Other holes, however, quickly appeared in the resort’s business plan when it became clear that the course owners cum professionals may have oversold their golfing prowess.  Mr. McGuinness, in particular, needs to get out of the office and spend a few more evenings at the recently refurbished Urban Golf Academy on the Lwr Newtownards Road where lessons in golf ball trajectory are free.

In a news conference later it also emerged that plans for the resort almost failed to get beyond the Outline Business Case stage with a fundamental disagreement over the course configuration. 

Mr. Robinson, the nominal senior partner in the relationship, had lobbied strongly that a six-hole solution known as Royal Ulster would not only be economically viable, but would maximise local buy-in.  His counterpart was equally adamant that a 32-hole solution, to be called the Fourth Green Field, would be more marketable overseas and could be sold / merged at a later date to a neighbouring resort.

Personal interventions from the President of the US PGA and the Stormont Estate’s landlord, based in London, however, helped hammer out an amicable solution.  The landlord, who has been losing a small fortune on her Northern Ireland holdings for the past 90-years, was determined to ‘rebalance’ the Estate’s income streams, either to secure it as a long-term holding or in preparation for a fire sale.  The US President was just keen to play more golf.

Part of the deal included jobs for the partners’ wider family.  While retaining 108 green keepers (don’t even start on the debate over that job title!) may be excessive, it has kept everybody happy and may be reviewed at a future date.  Shareholders in the operating company are also entitled to vote at an AGM every four years, with the proviso that the management structure never changes. 

Remarkably, everybody seems pleased with the arrangements.

ORAL QUESTIONS

OFMDFM / DSD / DCAL / Education / Assembly Commission

Urgent Oral Questsion: Prisoner Release: Justice

WRITTEN QUESTIONS

OFMDFM have issued a Draft Programme for Government for Executive consideration, DEL noted that 6,370 NI students enrolled at GB institutions last year and the DETI Minister will be launching this year’s ‘Orange Fest’.

The DoE Minister is keen to kick start the stalled Review of Public Administration and, according to DFP, the FM is in discussions with the Secretary of State about securing a venue for a RIR Home Coming parade.  Health disclosed that gorse fires have cost the Fire Service £8m in the past six months and Justice revealed that Foyle tops the league for Speed Camera detections.  DSD has funded ILEX to the tune of £30m since 2003.

THE WEEK AHEAD

The House is in Recess until Monday, 12^th September.

AND FINALLY….

Auditions are coming in quickly for the 2011 Assembly Nativity Play.  Jim Allister (TUV, North Antrim) put in an early pitch last week after the DFP Minister nominated him for the role of Elijah – a role he readily accepted as it conveyed the opportunity to destroy the prophets of Baal by calling down fire from heaven (it’ll be DUP members rather than Sinn Fein’s who’ll be on the receiving end of that).

This week Lord Morrow cast himself as the solemn Job, casting some sober reflections on the Corporation Tax debate.  All a bit too Old Testament for Christmas, however. 

Having started the process Mr. Wilson, in acknowledgement of his error, sought to introduce some New Testament light, pointing to the economic ‘Sauls’ on Sinn Fein’s benches who have had a Road to Damascus conversion on the need to be nice to the private sector. 

It’s also been mooted that the 12 Ministries will provide the Twelve Disciples, but as yet, no takers for Judas.  One suspects, however, that Mr. Allister already has a few suggestions…..

THE WEEK THAT WAS

John Hume was the Mr. Wu of Northern Ireland politics; he of the Chinese laundry fame immortalised by George Formby and his infernal banjo. 

The architect of the peace process devised a clever contraption known as the Belfast Agreement which promised to sort out Northern Ireland’s dirty washing.  Throw it all in, add a little bit of east/west and north/south magic, give the paramilitaries some soft soap and out it all comes, whiter than white.

The problem for Mr. Wu is that he got a bit too enamoured with a Chinese girl and things started to go askew.  Some would argue that, likewise, Hume didn’t use a long enough spoon when he ‘supped with the devil’, leaving a wonky washroom behind.

Events this week on the lower Newtonwards Rd and Short Strand have left residents less than happy.  As George would put it, they’re all feeling “a kind of Limehouse Chinese laundry blues.”  The orchestrated intervention of the UVF and then dissident Republican gunmen on the streets of the East Belfast would suggest that a decade or more after Good Friday things haven’t come out ‘whiter than white’.

Perhaps the Belfast Agreement is a bit like a dishwasher, harbouring bugs so toxic that the Geneva Convention wouldn’t hesitate from banning them.  On the surface, society in Northern Ireland looks pretty normal, but lift up the filter, peer into the u-bend and you’ll find something very unsavoury lurking.

Back in April a disheveled assortment of squatters and miscreants tore up the Stokes Croft area of Bristol.  In a sane society such criminality is primarily dealt with as a policing matter.  In good old Norn Iron the goon squad’s command structure gets invited for tea and biscuits at Stormont Castle. 

While that appears to have done the trick in the short-term, it’s neither a practical nor palatable long-term solution.  Cleaning up Northern Ireland’s resident muscle men is going to require a bit more effort and a bit more elbow grease than Mr. Wu’s dodgy laundry.

ORAL QUESTIONS

DARD / Health / DoJ / DRD

WRITTEN QUESTIONS

OFMDFM’S radio advert to support the devolution of Policing & Justice, which contravened the Communications Act, cost £3,539 – but OFCOM has not required the Department to reimburse the public purse.

DETI confirmed that NI exports fell by 8.5% in 2009/10, DoE confirmed that the current MOT fail rate is 22.5% and its Minister believes there is strong justification for a Single Waste Authority. 

Justice noted that Legal Aid costs increased by 67% over the past five years while DSD revealed that full-time appointments to the Housing Executive in 2010 were split 50.6% / 44.8% / 4.6% – Protestant, Catholic, Not Known.

AND FINALLY….

When asked a difficult and unexpected question by a colleague about the future of the Mater Hospital’s A&E, the Health Minister clearly tried his best not to disappoint:

“There will be changes, but there should be no speculation about any particular facility at this point, because no decisions have been made at this point.”

Hmm, does that mean that Members should only speculate after decisions have been made – in which case there may not be a whole lot of point speculating?  Given that Mr. Poots has the most difficult decisions and cuts to make of any Minister, I’ll be as bold as to speculate that what he’s hoping for is completely wishful thinking.

THE WEEK THAT WAS

Ian Paisley Jnr MP, the Honorable Member for North Antrim and former Assembly Member, has never been one to trade on a reputation of ‘winning friends and influencing people’.  If there’s a choice between a clever put down or a tactful response, the default position is to unleash the tongue, a trait which never seemed to do his father any harm with the electorate.

In a forthright interview, even by his standards, however, Mr Paisley Jnr has likened the Assembly to being “more like a grand county council than a regional parliament.”  He even went as far as to expose MLAs’ oratorical skills, condemning their penchant for reading five minute scripts.  To anyone who has had the misery of being audibly assaulted by a full plenary session at the Assembly, this is no great revelation.

Given, though, that over a third of the MLAs serving at the altar of this ‘jumped-up council’ are Mr. Paisley’s colleagues, perhaps ‘think, don’t speak’ may have been the better option.  In reality though, despite the First Minister’s protestations that “I don’t think demeaning his colleagues is going to endear him to his colleagues”, there can’t be many MLAs who honestly believe otherwise.  Such a public spat may have more to do with lingering political feuds than a cool assessment of MLAs’ oratory. 

The First Minister though isn’t alone in his opinion that Stormont debates aren’t too far off the Westminster standard.  Stormont’s former Editor of Hansard, who worked in both Houses, took a similar view. That is not to say that debate in Stormont and Westminster would set the pulse of Plato and Socrates running, but that the standard of the debate is, for the most, similarly dull because governing is, essentially, dull.

Westminster, however, is rescued by regular enthralling spats at PMQs and the occasional ascent onto the summit of linguistic beauty.  Stormont is a flat, watery bog with the occasional stump rearing its end up out of the gloom and intermittent flights of fancy by genuinely insightful personalities. 

Don’t be too hard on MLAs, though.  Most people struggle making a best man’s speech interesting. Making Glarryford’s dual carriageway in anyway interesting for five minutes is an altogether more challenging creature.

ORAL QUESTIONS

DEL / DETI / DoE / DFP

AND FINALLY….

Commenting upon the untimely death of Brian Lenihan, the Finance Minister, Sammy Wilson, confessed that on their first meeting he stole Mr. Lenihan’s seat by accident.  The gracious Mr. Lenihan arrived late, stared and then took a space elsewhere.

There, in a nutshell, is the Irish Problem encapsulated in a nationalist narrative.  A British lackey sequestering Irish property and displacing the indigenous population without as much as a please or thank-you. 

Fortunately, there the similarity ends; the two men decided that forging a close working relationship sounded more tempting than an 800-year blood feud.